EIFF 1

Mum and Dad: That I have lived so long as to see Perry Benson jerking off into some bastard’s disembowled viscera. I can only conlcude that a) the actor I remember from Scum and Going Out still has the fire in him, and b) there is no God.

Patti Smith, Dream of Life: By aging gracefully into a slim, modest, poised lady of a certain age, Patti Smith has ensured that when you look at her you see the past - as opposed to say the Stones, where it’s impossible to look past their crumbling present. But when she goes on stage and starts singing she could burn paint off a door if she wanted.

Mancora: Beautiful Peruvians suffer beautifully on their beautiful beaches stuffing coke up their beautiful noses. I found it hard to sympathise somehow.

Blood Car: The internet has ruined this kind of thing. If you’re going to do cheapo horror comedies starring your granny and produced by the bank manager, you’d better make sure that they’re short, snappy and that the comedy beats are on schedule. This does none of these. However: Anna Chlumpsky. Who knew?